With fewer and fewer traditional hierarchical organizations and more and more cross-functional teams the norm, relationship based leadership is more critical than ever. Even in smaller companies and small businesses that are more vertical in design, employees are quick to become dissatisfied when authoritarian / command and control leadership is the standard.  Even if they don’t leave for other workplaces with more enlightened leadership, they usually dim down and give less than there best – an unconscious reaction to their resistance and resentment.

In 21st Century Leadership one of the common leadership issues raised by participants is the question of how to create cooperation and a collaborative atmosphere with teammates over whom they have no authority.  Conceptually the answer is simple – clarify intention, take more ownership, become even more Emotionally Intelligent, show up more (let people know you) and communicate, communicate, communicate.

These are mindsets and skills in which people in 21st Century Leadership are immersed. Given their level of commitment and their willingness to practice following the course, their results will be similar to the graduate who work for a large multinational company and who came to the course at the suggestion of his supervisor to specifically learn how to create more cooperation from others upon whom he relies but over whom he had no authority. Last week he wrote:

“Over the last few weeks I noticed that everyone around me is helping me. I wondered, ‘What’s going on?’

I spoke with my supervisor about this and he replied, ‘Because you are leading now’ and before you were ‘pushing to get the work done.’

Now, I work less and get more results. This is quite amazing actually!”

Want more help, cooperation and ease from “them” (those guys who don’t listen to you)? Begin by reminding yourself it is not about them. You have the key. Lead rather than push.



To these ends, Lori and I spend considerable time following up with graduates to offer encouragement and support. Sometimes it is a check-in email with a group that attended a course together, sometimes a message to a specific person, often a phone call or personal meeting. We also have well-developed instincts about who may be struggling a bit (or a lot). When we don’t hear from someone in response to a message, when we hear indications from a third party and when posts on social media like Facebook may be read to believe someone is feeling particularly challenged, we make a specific point of reaching out to help and encourage that person or to assist that person in finding the support and help that is appropriate for his or her situation.

All too often, after some time has passed, one of us receives a response like this: “Hi, I’ve been thinking about writing you but don’t feel good about doing that unless I have something good to share.”

When I receive a communication like this, I am clear I have been less effective than I want to be in promoting the notion that part of what makes a leader effective is the way that he or she addresses inevitable setbacks, downturns, challenges, and “failures”, both professional and personal.

One thing that distinguishes the most effective leaders in the face of these situations is that they refuse to label them as “bad news” – information not to be shared with the very people who care about them and want to help.  They understand that intellect, willpower and time alone are not viable solutions. Rather, even at the risk of feeling small, embarrassed, inadequate and the like, effective leaders turn to others and seek out help and support. These are choices consistent with the “tag line” for 21st Century Leadership: “Leadership Is Primarily An Emotional, Rather Than An Intellectual, Craft.”

My response to those who do not ask for help and are willing to only be know for the “good news” is contained in the following parable:

A little boy was having difficulty lifting a heavy stone.

Just then his father came along.

Noting the boy’s struggle, he asked, “Are you using all your strength?”

“Yes, I am,” the little boy said impatiently.

“No, you are not,” the father answered. “I am right here just waiting, and you haven’t asked me to help you.”

There is much evidence, both anecdotal and scientific, that most people want to help and derive pleasure from doing so. Lori and I are among them. If you are having a hard time, use all of your strength – ask for help.

I grew up in a military family. My father was a career military officer and a veteran of World War II. It is estimated that some 60 to 72 million people died in this war, of which some 25 million were in the military. I, myself, was an Army officer and I am Vietnam veteran.

I attach great significance to Memorial Day. I am mindful of those who have served and died and are still serving and giving their lives in service. And, I am thinking of their families and friends.

In a few weeks Lori and I are traveling to Pennsylvania to visit my father, now 92. We are driving to Washington, D.C., to visit the graves of his first wife, my mother, and his second wife, my stepmother, at Arlington National Cemetery. We are also going to visit the National WW II Memorial, opened in 2004, which he has never seen.

Knowing my father as I do, and knowing so many military veterans with whom I grew up and served, I believe they share, as I do, the sentiment expressed in President Roosevelt’s address in June 1942.

Citing part of a prayer, he said:

“Our earth is but a small star in the great universe. Yet of it we can make, if we choose, a planet unvexed by war, untroubled by hunger or fear, undivided by senseless distinctions of race, color or theory. Grant us that courage and foreseeing to begin this task today that our children and our children’s children may be proud of the name of man.

“The spirit of man has awakened and the soul of man has gone forth. Grant us the wisdom and the vision to comprehend the greatness of man’s spirit, that suffers and endures so hugely for a goal beyond his own brief span. Grant us honor for our dead who died in the faith, honor for our living who work and strive for the faith, redemption and security for all captive lands and peoples. Grant us patience with the deluded and pity for the betrayed. And grant us the skill and the valor that shall cleanse the world of oppression and the old base doctrine that the strong must eat the weak because they are strong.

“Yet most of all grant us brotherhood, not only for this day but for all our years-a brotherhood not of words but of acts and deeds. We are all of us children of earth-grant us that simple knowledge. If our brothers are oppressed, then we are oppressed. If they hunger, we hunger. If their freedom is taken away, our freedom is not secure. Grant us a common faith that man shall know bread and peace-that he shall know justice and righteousness, freedom and security, an equal opportunity and an equal chance to do his best, not only in our own lands, but throughout the world. And in that faith let us march, toward the clean world our hands can make. Amen.”

It is my hope that you, too, share this sentiment and that you lead in this direction.

I continue to use this template to stay on track professionally and personally, and to course correct if I think I am not going to reach some of my targets. This is one way I leverage what I teach in Twenty First Century Leadership.

Below are the ideas I focused on in my workshop:

Using a pen and paper I…

• Design a plan and work the plan.
• Build some “distraction time” into my plan.
• Stay current with where I am and where I am headed.
• Keep an eye on my time-line and adjust my action steps in order to accomplish my tasks by the date(s) I chose as my deadline.
• Finish what I started while making my transition into my next phase, checking items off my action steps list as I proceed.

I motivate myself through…

• Beginning with the end in mind.
• Being proactive.
• Being courageous and rewarding myself for what I accomplish.
• Keeping a journal.
• Asking, when I experience temptation, “Is this going to help me get where I want to be – to further my purpose?”
• Setting up and using a buddy system or team system.
• Being as organized as I know how to be and prioritizing.
• Bringing enthusiasm to every task at hand.

In short, I believe that people who are “on their game” exercise self-discipline when thinking on paper, relentlessly finding ways to overcome what they believe are their limits, knowing when to say, “Yes,” and when to say, “No,” and keeping up with their industry. People in the process of winning remain aware of the value they are creating practicing this kind of self-discipline instead of viewing this process as a burden or sacrifice.

If I “fall off of my game”, become less self-disciplined or experience irritability, I view this as an indicator rather than a condition. I remind myself of the ideas expressed in this article. Similarly, if I allow my enthusiasm to wane, I course correct by paying more attention to constructively creating the experiences that contribute to my feeling of success/fulfillment.

“Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There’s plenty of movement, but you never know if it’s going to be forward, backwards, or sideways.” Life’s Little Instruction Book – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Whether you aspire to such a lofty position, or not, when you pay attention to the differentiating factors you will be more effective, feel more fulfilled and produce even more stellar results across the spectrum of your life.

Assuming similar cross-functional experience, e.g., operations, finance, marketing, etc., and demonstrated success with strategic thinking, there are two key factors that make the difference between reaching a plateau beyond which I will not move or rising to the most senior levels. They are ownership and relationship building.

By ownership I mean “the buck stops with me.” I am the source. If there is a dispute among others, a smorgasbord of choices about which direction to go or strategy to employ, a failure or setback, or similar challenges, it is mine. There is no place to escalate, nor would I. My mindset is, “I own it all.”

This first factor goes hand in glove with the second factor, relationship building. Over time have I built and maintained relationships with a wide variety of people who have a wide variety of skill and knowledge in a wide variety of areas? When I am in ownership, the responsibility is always mine. I am aware of, and honest with myself about, what I don’t know. I do know I require expert help. Where do I get the information and help I want to resolve disputes, make choices about direction and strategy, overcome setbacks and similar challenges? I call upon the skill, knowledge and expertise of those with whom I have forged strong relationships over the years – those who I trust and who trust me. These are the people who “sponsor” my success and promote my vision.

Whether in the workplace, with my family, among my friends and acquaintances or in my community, I am always served by stretching my lines of ownership and building stronger relationships. There is endless opportuntiy to grow in these areas.

If you are not familiar with the work of Extraordinary Learning, these differentiating qualities are two of the primary qualities we help our clients develop and strengthen. And, yes, our clients produce stellar results across the board.

Maybe you were unclear about what you wanted to say, probably you were in resistance and certainly you made other and probably less valuable things more important. And then, in the 11th hour, you marshaled your resources, got sufficiently clear about what you wanted to say and did the work. Time was up – do or die.

Another way of thinking about this is that the closer you got to the deadline the more important the paper became to you and the stronger you fixed your intention to write it. What seemed necessary in the moment supported you becoming intentional enough to do it.

If you are like most people, you continue to repeat this pattern today. It is more common than not for people to put the tasks, communications and actions that they resist, or about which they feel particularly challenged, on the back burner (these are, incidentally, often the ones with the highest payoffs). Then, as an established deadline approaches, or people reach their emotional limits of incompletion, fear and uncertainty, they fix their intention (make it important enough) to get it handled and “just do it”.

I often hear people justify this approach. They say they work better under pressure or are more creative in the face of a deadline. Perhaps this is true, but probably not. I think they just experience relief that they got it done and confuse relief with excellence.

I believe that when I fix my intention to handle what is most important first – to spend my time to my highest and best use – I work just as well as when I am under pressure and I am equally creative. And, the benefits are immense. To name a few, I lead rather than react, I spend more time on what matters most (I further my purpose), I have more time to check and adjust my initial results so I ensure excellence, and I avoid excessive stress.

When necessity is the mother of my intention, it is because I allow it. Rather than waiting until I think, “I have to do it now or else…”, I believe I am much more effective when I fix my intention early (make a conscious intellectual and emotional choice to do it now) and handle first things first.

How I deal with the unexpected is great feedback about the strength of my leadership mindset and my relationship with myself.

Do I remain cool, calm and collected? Am I emotionally and intellectually grounded? Do I respond constructively? Am I purposeful? Do I remain aware of the effect of how I am showing up on the people in my life? Am I keeping commitments – with others and myself?

Or, when the unexpected occurs, do I go into denial or resistance? Do I feel emotionally and intellectual scattered and unclear? Do I choose a destructive response inconsistent with my stated intentions (my greater purpose)? Do I burn relationship bridges or leave them in disrepair rather than being proactive and engaging?

Here are some tips for being ready for the unexpected:

➢ Regular “self-maintenance” is key – not just on an emotional level but on all levels; being active physically, intellectually, creatively, emotionally and in other ways that you value.

I urge you to make these habits rather than mere wishes:

o Learning about yourself (becoming more emotionally self-aware)
o Stimulating your intellect (not just at work)
o Being physically active to promote overall health
o Expanding your social and relationship building skills
o Laughing and being fun

You may not have control over everything in life, but you have sufficient control over yourself to avoid going into reaction and feeling surprised and unprepared when there is something unexpected to handle.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle

➢ Remain conscious of the needs of the people around you. Genuine leaders are invested in the well-being, growth and success of colleagues, friends, community members and family.

If you are not emotionally, intellectually, creatively, physically, etc., in-tune with yourself, how do you intend to successfully fulfill your role as a leader and contribute to the enrichment of your peoples’ lives?

Assuming you have made “self-care” a habit, there are still those times it seems to be not enough. Here, the trick is to be less “self-conscious” and more “other conscious”. What might you do to help someone else along his or her path – the most rewarding gift you’ll ever give?

“ A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.” – Benjamin Franklin

I think he is exceptionally talented in a wealth of ways. Currently, he is working on something big; something which, if he doesn’t get in his own way, will result in the kind of acclaim of which I believe he is worthy.

In our conversation he asked me about confidence – whether I considered myself naturally confident or whether I “grew” into what he judges as my current state of confidence?

I told him, and I tell all participants in Extraordinary Learning courses and my coaching clients, confidence is overrated.

I like feeling confident about an outcome, result or myself more than feeling uncertain and fearful. However, in the long run, confidence has little to do with creating my desired outcome.

The extent to which I feel confident is based on my level of experience in a particular endeavor and on dealing with my results, including the ones I don’t like. The more experience of working through something, the more confidence.

Most people who are stretching in life are exploring some ideas, feelings, skills and abilities with which they have little experience, or at least little experience moving through them to the other side. Anyone in the midst of writing his or her next chapter in life is, ideally, exploring some of the unknown. This is the stuff of which growth, and the richness of life, is made.

If not with confidence, how does someone overcome his or her uncertainty, hesitation, and fear? As I told my friend, the key is to access courage, of which each of us has an abundance. If you are in doubt about this statement as it relates to you, just look at the events in your life, some big and some, in hindsight, not as big as they seemed at the time, in which you screwed up your courage and pressed through to the other side. There are too many to count.

If you are taking on something big by your standards, and I hope you are, forget about confidence. Get really clear about what result you want and the value of it to you and others, commit to the result like you’ve never committed before, get some support and access your unlimited reservoir of courage.

Now, dive in!